Sometimes, I wish I was normal

Sometimes, I wish I was not so different. Sometimes, I wish I could have been pigeonholed into those stereotypes that people seem to comfortably fit into. To 'not think so much' and let that nagging question at the back of one's head fade away into nothingness. To be able to treat anything one cannot grasp as anything nonexistent.

Sometimes, I wish I was normal.

It would have been easier to do 'normal things' and be 'normal'. To be able to know why people could buy into the bullshit so readily and unhesitatingly. To be able to know how to distract oneself with mundane and insignificant details. To be able to know why people fear things that can barely bark, let alone bite.

This is all foolish thinking, of course. It is to merely wish for peace despite knowing that chaos is all that lies ahead. It is not merely denying how you truly feel. It is about denying reality. I am not that foolish. Peace does not necessarily equate to peace nor normalcy. A false peace is as easily broken as it was constructed.

I found the following extract from Vol. 0 of the Code Geass novel quite eye-catching. It takes place during their younger days when Suzaku was breaking up a bunch of kids bullying Lelouch, who had just arrived in Japan as political prisoner (along with Nunnally);

Suzaku looked at the boy on the ground. Among the dark shadows of the trees, on the stone pavement, he was hunched over. The luxurious shirt was dirty and wrinkled.

What an idiot, Suzaku thought to himself. He gets into situations like this because he wears those snobby clothes. And the look in his eyes. He should at least change the way he looks at people. His facial expression should be apologetic.

No, I guess he can't.

When he'd met the boy for the first time he was already like that, and he will never change.

Who's to be blamed for Lelouch turning out this way? His princely upbringing? Or the clash between that upbringing and the rest of the world? Is someone or something even to be 'blamed' for this? What makes Lelouch's world any less real than the world Suzaku lives in, and vice versa?

You Are a Hippie

You may not have long hair or a closet full of tie-dye, but you definitely dance to the beat of your own drum. (And you may even play the drum as well.) You are a true free spirit. You don't let yourself be weighed down by rules and expectations. You are creative, philosophical, and caring. You want everyone to have a better life. For you, the worst thing in the world is being stuck in some rat race. You rather be broke than have to wear a suit every day.

What's Your Stereotype?

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You Would Be a Wild Child Celebrity

You've always been a rule breaker, and nothing about that would change if you got famous. You would take Hollywood by storm, and play by your own rules. You would act out whenever you want, and you'd never take the press too seriously. But would you truly be out of control? Or simply a master of your own image? No doubt about it... there would be some debate. You'd be a celebrity in the mold of Wynona Ryder, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, and Johnny Depp.

What Kind of Celebrity Would You Be?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

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For this goal, even my conscience has to be cast aside

Was on the ECP today when it occurred; an irritation of the eyes, and an impatient flick of my wrist. To my shock, I realized that it was a drop. A teardrop.

Even if you want to know the reason why, I have to admit even I do not know the exact answer myself. Perhaps it was simply weariness settling in after a couple of crazy weeks. Or perhaps it was the realization that one of my closest friends regard me as a 'problem' more than anything. Or maybe it was my hatred of my true enemy which is now threatening to separate me from those who I care about.

Ultimately, it matters not. A moment of weakness, and as easily removed with a mere flick of my fingers.

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If you had actually known, would you really still feel the same way?

More often than not, people told me that I read into their words or actions more than they had intended to. The chance that I happen to be accurate is usually higher.

Tuesday evening was one. This, unlike the other, was totally expected but never had I thought it would be so callously expressed. His reply to my 'problem' just told me so much of his defense mechanism. Having pulled such a reaction on me 3 years or so ago, the presumption was that his was a typical response to any such situation, and perhaps when people actually do defy that convention, they do stand out. Or maybe, simply, I had been wrong all along about how special he was.

Friday dinner presented another. Amidst the luxurious spread of dinner we decided to indulge in, the words from that joking smile were not what I expected to hear. An off-the-cuff remark? A suspicion? Or it is what it seems to be; a promise? And the only way I can find out is to start down on that road to Hell.

If I had actually told you what had happened, would you really feel the same way? Would you keep the promise you've made? Would you be able to actually continue grinning and tell me you'll still be there for me? Or will you be like him, leaving me out cold in the merciless rain; hurt and more lonely than ever?

I'm not one to dwell on the past. Against all good sense and intention I had chosen to leave it behind me. So that I can forget your betrayal and the state of near-death you had placed me into. Yet, forgetting it doomed me to repeating that cycle over and over again, and you're still just gonna repeat it until one of us goes.

No more. The past shall never be forgotten to ensure that its mistakes are not made again. You're on your own now, as I had been all along.

But perhaps not so, this time.

You Should Be an Astronaut for Halloween

You are a confident and bold person. You definitely tend to think you're the best out there. When you get dressed up for Halloween, you tend to think big. Even if you aren't entering a costume contest, you act as if you are. You are a high achiever and a hard worker. You have huge dreams and goals. Who knows? You may even be an astronaut someday. Anything is possible with grit like yours!

What Halloween Costume Matches Your Personality?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

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I try to wash the pain away from me

Just received a mailer for the SMU NSmen Jamboree on 17 Nov 09. The early matriculation process will confirm my place as an SMU student, which may as well be. April classes will give me a month's breather at most after ORD, so there's no need to concern myself with what I have to do to tide me over 5 months or so of boredom.

Heard from ototo-kun FASS' having early matriculation today. Guess that's good as well.

The same question. Posed again and again over the past week. Yesterday I just lost it.

In the mirror, I see the shatterpoint. Ignoring it does not mean it does not exist. One day, that will be my undoing. One day, that will crush me. A year or so ago, I was made to face the same choices. You couldn't possibly hurt me more than I have already hurt myself. Alone among the dead leaves and discarded webs is where someone like me belongs. Hearing others go on with their clambering up and down the lowest flight of stairs, in my own solace and the pain I've created for myself did I actually realize I, and I alone, deserve everything.

A Life without change is a Life not worth living. My goals remain unchanged. Everything else has.

You Are a Vampire

Like a vampire, you can be a bit cold and heartless at times. You are very calculating. You think with your head, and you know better than to follow your heart. While you are as thick skinned and resourceful as a vampire, you aren't necessarily as evil. You can easily manipulate people into doing what you want. Whether you actually choose to manipulate them or not is a different matter.

Are You A Vampire, Witch, Or Zombie?

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You Are Black

You are a serious and thoughtful person. You spend a lot of time in quiet reflection. You are a friend of the honesty, and you don't sugar coat anything. You prefer the truth in all its complexity. While you may relate to the color black, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a dark person. You just don't hide from the dark side of life. If anything, you tend to be sophisticated and classic. You don't follow trends, and you have your own style of doing things.

Are You Black or Orange?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

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